This post examines the transformation of an INSEAD MBA application essay, demonstrating how a verbose 649-word personal statement was skillfully edited into a powerful 500-word submission that meets requirements. The comparison highlights effective storytelling techniques that preserve the applicant's compelling journey from poverty to educational achievement while addressing both strengths and weaknesses authentically.
Explore real examples of successful MBA application materials before and after expert review, showcasing the transformative impact of myEssayReview’ s personalized guidance.
Before
Give a candid description of yourself (who you are as a person), stressing the personal characteristics you feel to be your strengths and weaknesses and the main factors which have influenced your personal development, giving examples when necessary. (Maximum 500 words)
It was the journey that changed my life.
As a teenager in October 2004, without my parents’ knowledge, I embarked on a journey on board a night bus from Calabar, in Southern Nigeria to the University of Ibadan, in Western Nigeria to seek admission.
Coming from a poor background with the highest academic achievement in my immediate family at the time being just a high school diploma, it was not only deemed a lofty ambition to seek for university education but studying Medicine/Surgery at Nigeria’s best-ranked university seemed rather out of reach for someone like me. However, my early life experiences coupled with my strong-willed and ambitious nature inculcated in me by my strict, yet fair upbringing had prepared me for this.
As a child, I hawked on the streets of my town to support my family. An experience that instilled a level of independence and resilience that has shaped my journey through life. In keeping with this, I purposed in my heart to achieve this perceived lofty ambition and then surprise my parents with the good news.
After going through a perilous night journey from Calabar fraught with danger, which included a close armed-robbery incident, I arrived Ibadan around 11pm on October 16, 2004. After having slept in an open classroom (as I was on a tight budget and had no acquaintance Ibadan), I was further saddened by the Admissions Officer informing me the next day that I was only 2 marks shy of the merit cut-off point to gain admission into Medicine/Surgery. I was told I could only get into Medicine by joining another science-based course, bag a first class CGPA and then transfer to Medicine in my second year.
I had to go through a tough time as my economic conditions were dire. I also could not see my family for over a year, but I still put in the hard work to get a 6.2/7.0 CGPA (first class) in my first year. I was able to transfer into Medicine/Surgery in my second year, an achievement that saw me getting awarded a state government scholarship that subsequently eased my economic conditions. My parents were over the moon on getting the news, with my dad consequently being inspired to enroll in the local university. He is an accounting graduate today.
All these go to the core of my being an individual. Everything I have achieved in life has been a result of the strong will, tenacity and desire to change the circumstances providence dealt me. My dad, who at times had to work as a commercial motorbike rider to be able to pay for I and my siblings education played a major role in my character development.
My humble background, although instilling in me great values, also led to a certain shyness and self-effacing nature resulting in a phobia for public speaking. I often would rather have a one-on-one meeting or hold brief in a conference room than having to stand up to address an audience. Even as a child, I can recall being tongue-tied and sweaty palmed, overwhelmed with trepidation when picked to do recitations.
Knowing the importance of dealing with this, in college I decided to specifically join THE FORUM, an organization where members researched and presented papers on topical issues to a critical audience every week. I rose to become the Chairman of the organization. After college I actively decided to improve on my gains by joining Toastmasters.
Hence, I am looking forward to greatly gaining from the mentorship I’ll receive from INSEAD’s Personal Leadership Development Programme during which I will get personalized coaching geared towards developing great interpersonal skills and communication proficiency. This I know will go a long way in preparing me for the daily rigors of decision making in the corporate world while also imbuing me with the cutting-edge management skills required for entrepreneurship.
Word Count = 649
After
Give a candid description of yourself (who you are as a person), stressing the personal characteristics you feel to be your strengths and weaknesses and the main factors which have influenced your personal development, giving examples when necessary. (Maximum 500 words)
Growing up in a low-income family, I had to work as a street hawker as an 8-year-old, to support my family. My father, a cashier at a local government ministry, had to work as a commercial motorbike rider to pay for his children’s education with my mother’s support, who was a petty trader and homemaker. Their dedication and drive played a major role in my character development, making me independent and resilient. Consequently, I was determined to change my family’s dire conditions.
As a teenager, without my parents’ knowledge, I embarked on a 15-hour journey on a night bus to seek admission into Medicine/Surgery at Nigeria’s best-ranked university, the University of Ibadan. I knew seeking my parents’ approval would be difficult as they wanted me to attend a school closer to home. Therefore, with only a high school diploma, tight budget, and no acquaintance, I decided to be not only a first-generation university student but also university graduate to study Medicine/Surgery at Nigeria’s best-ranked university. To achieve this lofty ambition, I set out on a perilous night journey from Calabar fraught with danger, including a close armed-robbery incident, and arrived in Ibadan by 11pm.
I had to sleep in an open classroom before meeting with the university’s Admissions Officer, who informed me that I was only two marks shy of the merit cut-off point to gain admission into Medicine/Surgery. He suggested I could be admitted into Medicine/Surgery by joining another science-based course and transferring to Medicine in my second year with a first-class GPA. Despite my challenging financial situation, I enrolled in Physiology and got a 6.2/7.0 CGPA. So, I transferred into Medicine/Surgery in my second year and received a state government scholarship that eased my economic conditions. My parents were proud of me, and my father was motivated to enroll in the local university and is now an accounting graduate.
After university, I moved to Lagos to seek better economic opportunities and strategically took up demanding roles in international companies and organizations. This helped me build cross-country relationships that impacted my worldview and engendered a yearning to create global impact while also chasing my dreams. I also pursued entrepreneurial and business pursuits that have been character-building and enlightening.
Although my humble background instilled in me great values and made me independent, determined, and resilient it also made me shy and self-effacing, with a phobia for public speaking. I often preferred a one-on-one meeting or holding briefs in a conference room instead of addressing an audience. To overcome this weakness, I joined THE FORUM at the university, where members presented weekly papers on topical issues. I rose to become the Chairman of the organization. Since then, I have continued to lead teams and hold leadership roles at work and in various organizations.
I am looking forward to joining INSEAD’s Career Development Programme which will continue to prepare me for the daily rigors of decision making in the corporate world and help me hone the cutting-edge managerial skills needed for entrepreneurship.
Word Count = 500
