This post examines the transformation of a UCLA MBA application essay, showcasing how a lengthy 442-word draft was refined into a concise 249-word submission that meets requirements while maintaining impact. The before-and-after comparison highlights effective editing techniques that preserve the applicant's powerful story about creating an employee wellness initiative following a colleague's burnout-related accident.
Before
Tell us about a recent personal or professional achievement and how it connects to your MBA goals.
We welcome reflection on any achievement in your personal or professional lives, and look forward to learning about the specific ways you left your mark and how it inspires your goals at UCLA Anderson. (250 words)
The near-death experience of my fellow colleague led me to decide to pursue a career focused on Organizational Behavior. As a marketing professional, my day-to-day job revolves around managing projects across several functions. This has given me the opportunity to understand the challenges of employees in various departments. Throughout the 4 different companies I have worked for, I’ve realized the one challenge in common for most employees is the ability to maintain a well mental being given the heavy workload and managerial pressure.
Earlier this year, one of my colleagues went through a severe car accident, one in which she nearly lost her life. Having had a personal relationship with her, I was confident the accident was partially the result of burnout and exhaustion. The incident left me broken. Hence, I decided to initiate change. While I knew I couldn’t change the state of affairs at top management, the level which was the root-cause of the dissatisfaction, I was keen of finding a way to mitigate the effects.
Soon-after the incident, I took the initiative to launch an online counseling service for corporate employees in Americana. I set a meeting with the Human Resources team to walk them through my motivations and the launch plan. Shortly, we partnered with several psychologists from different parts of the world, and successfully launched the program in mid-2022. We raised awareness of the program and its benefits, and managed to onboard 30% of the company employees on to it. Achieving this number was a success as, in the Middle East, counseling is seen as a shameful act for a considerable proportion of the population. While this has not solved the cause, it is certainly helping with the after-effects.
I vow to fix the root-cause of the problem in the future. Hence, I have planned to take part in the MBA program at The Anderson School of Management, and specialize in Management & Organization. The learnings from the program and the hands-on projects in place, such as the Applied management Research initiative which would allow me to implement changes on a managerial level for an influential company, will give me the tools to tackle complex real-world situations.
The rate at which businesses are growing nowadays is not in line with the rate at which companies are ongoing internal structural changes to accommodate for this development, and this is where the problem lies. I aim to lead this managerial change and have a positive impact on the lives of corporate employees and I value the opportunity to grow and learn the art of healthy leadership in a setting as diverse and inclusive as the Anderson School of Management. (442 words)
After
Tell us about a recent personal or professional achievement and how it connects to your MBA goals.
We welcome reflection on any achievement in your personal or professional lives, and look forward to learning about the specific ways you left your mark and how it inspires your goals at UCLA Anderson. (250 words)
As a marketing professional, I have managed projects across several functions and understand most employees face the challenge to maintain their mental well-being, given the heavy workload and managerial pressure.
The near-death experience of my colleague early this year led me to pursue a career focused on Organizational Behavior. She went through a severe car accident and nearly lost her life. Having known her personally, I was certain it was partially due to burnout and exhaustion at work. Hence, I decided to initiate change. Though I knew I couldn't change the situation at top management, I was determined to find a way to mitigate the effects.
Hence, I took the initiative to launch an online counseling service for corporate employees in Americana. I scheduled a meeting with Human Resources to discuss my motivations and launch a plan. Shortly, we partnered with several psychologists worldwide and launched the program in mid-2022. We raised the program’s awareness and benefits, onboarding 30% of the company employees. Achieving this number was an achievement because counseling is generally perceived as shameful in the Middle East. While this has not solved the problem, it certainly helps with the after-effects.
This achievement has confirmed my decision to pursue an MBA at the Anderson School of Management and specialize in Management & Organization. The learnings and hands-on projects, such as the Applied Management Research initiative, would allow me to implement changes on a managerial level for an influential company, giving me tools to tackle complex real-world situations.
(249 words)
